*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
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“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.