Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
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Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.