[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
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Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”