ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
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Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Name another movie that mislead you?