Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
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Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Moms. The original autocorrect.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada