All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
This story is comedy gold 😂
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”