Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
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the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.