A hop and a tag…you’re it! 馃槀馃槣馃樅
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A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she鈥檇 misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn鈥檛 need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
You鈥檙e so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Happy Halloween 馃巸
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I don鈥檛 feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine鈥檚 Day candy.
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot