One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Sending in my taxes
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.