Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
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4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me