Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
You Might Also Like
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Omg 🤣
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
August 8
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.