today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
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*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.