All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
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Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.