me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
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Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
is this a warning or an offer?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions