Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
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Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are