my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
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Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
lol
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
me and my fake scenarios
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
When ur friends with white people
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm