It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
You Might Also Like
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.