accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
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[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.