[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
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we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
My love language is deader than Latin
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.