I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
You Might Also Like
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
*exercises sarcastically*
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
peep davidson
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.