Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Same pineapple, same
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.