Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
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What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd