I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.