SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?