*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
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[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something