CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
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Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.