House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
You Might Also Like
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress