MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
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everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Breaking news:
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My new favorite headline
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.