Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
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whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.