Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
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“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.