I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.