“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
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“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”