“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
You Might Also Like
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did