A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Admin smashed it 😂
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
found my next D&D character name
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”