MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
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LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.