[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
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Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The news
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
this has to be peak English
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.