Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.