How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Woke up against my better judgment again
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.