The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
i did the math
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Siri, fight Alexa.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?