remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Every haunted house movie:
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
a fate I wish upon no one
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.