i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards