Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
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If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
What the hell happened in there??
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?