[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
i’m still crying at this
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Erm…
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.