this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
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You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.