Trying
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First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously