Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
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Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.