Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
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‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭