“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
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*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Covid like
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.