professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Just a bush.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.