If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
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AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
What about a To-Don’t List?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me